Monday, July 16, 2012

Agreed?


Is there nothing we can all agree on? In this season of ramping up for the big presidential election in the fall, polarized media coverage, and heated debates on everything from insurance to immigration, I’m wondering if there is anything we can all agree on anymore. There used to be the Golden Rule – do unto others as you would have them do unto you – but even that seems to have gone by the wayside, judging by out of control greed, rampant individualism, and random acts of violence.

Well, call me a dreamer, but I’m holding out hope that there must be SOMETHING. If not the serious issues like economics, politics, or religion, perhaps the more mundane and trivial details that come up as we navigate day-to-day existence. Here are just a few examples of things we should all be able to agree on:

1) Katy Perry sucks. She does. Can we please agree that Katy Perry’s fifteen minutes of fame should have been up a long, long time ago? Why does she continue to assault us with her overly-produced, ridiculously rhyming, formulaic “music” and her tits and ass, sexualized shtick? You can’t go to the gym, grocery store, or gynecologist these days without hearing some form of Katy Perry – either blasted over the sound system or “muzaked” into an elevator or waiting room. I can’t take my child to the new Pixar movie without Katy Perry popping up in preview form. Who could watch a full, feature-length “documentary” about Katy Perry?! I could barely make it through the preview – Katy’s pink hair, blue hair, no wait, its pink again hair; rotating peppermint candies on Katy’s pointy bra; Katy astride a giant phallic gun shooting whipped cream or some sort of foam onto a stadium full of preteen girls; Katy hunched over in emotional agony as her divorce from Russell Brand is announced. The mind-numbing, faux drama is bad. The twisted combination of preteen girl fan-base and overtly sexual messaging is bad. It’s like Hustler magazine meets Candyland the preschool game.

2) Hair should not be striped. Ladies, let’s agree that bad highlights have got to go. What is it with the striped hair? It was trashy a decade ago, now it’s just ridiculous. It actually makes me angry when I see it. Why is it so prevalent? Who are the hair stylists who commit this atrocity? I am declaring bad highlights, lowlights, and the “lights” you can’t even make sense of a crime against humanity, and all that is good and beautiful in the world. Subtle variations in color are one thing; they provide texture and depth, but hair is not meant to be striped. Let’s all agree to say “NO!” to bad highlights.

3) 99.9% of the time, despite what commercials would have you believe, women do not have an orgasm when they put on moisturizer, apply makeup, or shampoo their hair. Can we agree that this is true? I’ll admit I have not checked this statistic or put it to any kind of scientific test (OK, I just made it up; isn’t that what everyone does with statistics these days?), but I’m going out on a limb based on personal experience as a moisturizer using, makeup applying, hair shampooing female. These personal grooming activities exist on a scale of “tedious chore” to “mildly enjoyable” simply because you’re devoting some attention to yourself for two minutes. And let’s face it . . . even if putting on moisturizer felt that good, the 20 seconds it takes to do it certainly wouldn’t get you there. So, men of the world, stop wondering why your girlfriend/wife doesn’t look like that when she puts on her makeup and women of the world, stop wondering if something is wrong with your products because they don’t seem to be working like they’re supposed to.     

4) If a platypus could sing, it would sound like Adam Levine. This is my own personal theory, but I’m pretty sure it’s right on the money. Try this . . . when you hear a Maroon 5 song, close your eyes and imagine a platypus. Go ahead, I’ll wait . . . it shouldn’t take long seeing as a Maroon 5 song is on any given radio station pretty much every five minutes . . . take your time . . . There! See! It works, doesn’t it?

So what if we can’t agree on immigration policy or childhood immunization? Who cares if we can’t see eye to eye on religion or reproduction? Let’s get on the same page with the simple, frivolous, day-to-day details. Please? Can we pretty, pretty please at least agree Adam Levine sounds like a platypus? If we can’t get on board with that, there’s no hope.

How about agree to disagree? I guess that’s something.