Tuesday, February 14, 2012

What's hot, what's not

In my last blog post, I wrote about things on Facebook that irritate me and identified a continuum ranging from mild annoyance to substantial aggravation.  Well, I forgot a level. Every so often, Facebook irritation moves beyond annoyance, blows past aggravation and takes me straight to anger. These are the things that get me so fired up I go to sleep fuming about them, wake up thinking about them, and feel compelled to write about them.

This montage of photos makes me angry. Maybe you’ve seen it; it has been making the rounds.


 

As you can see, the image juxtaposes photos of bikini-clad modern day celebrities, looking thin, with photos of retro starlets looking not as thin. The tag line asks, “When did THIS become hotter than THIS?!”

I am puzzled that this image is getting such play. Is it crying out “repost me, repost me, repost me!”? If it is, I can’t hear it. Haven’t we figured out by now, with the richly diverse world we live in, that what is and isn’t “hot” is very much in the eye of the beholder? I’m not sure I get the point of this image and the incessant reposting of it, unless it is simply to elevate one type of woman, based on how her body looks in a bathing suit, by tearing down another type. This is a lose/lose situation, and that’s what makes me angry.

Almost every time I’ve seen this image, it has been posted by a woman. The comments that inevitably follow are also largely made by women, and they always have the same tone: “Amen, Sister!” “It never has been or will be hotter!” “They look like skeletons – gross!” I get the sense these women think they are celebrating “real” women’s bodies and advocating for accepting women’s bodies as they are. Oddly, they seem completely blind to the fact that they’re doing the exact same thing they claim to be against – judging women based on their physical appearance.

Since when are thin women not “real”? I know plenty of women who are thin. In fact, I’m fairly thin myself. I think I’m real. I feel pretty real. I have a job, a husband, a kid. My days are filled with the challenges of balancing work, family and personal time and interests. I get tired; I sleep. I get hungry; I eat. Am I real? It seems run-of-the-mill real to me. Here’s another thing about me: I don’t like being judged based solely on what my body looks like anymore than the fat girl, or the super tall girl, or the short girl, or the girl with freckles.

I don’t think my body is perfect, but I do love it. It takes me from point A to point B in the world pretty effectively. It runs, it does yoga, it plays with my son. It brought my son into the world and that’s pretty amazing. We all have things we like about our bodies and things we don’t like as much. The fact that we put so much focus on physical appearance is the problem.

Objectifying any woman or group of women is objectifying all women. The more women post photos of skinny girls with catty comments or spend precious time and energy criticizing Angelina Jolie or celeb du jour for being too thin on the awards shows, the more women are making it okay for someone else to criticize Adele or any woman for being fat. Media is brutal on all women – they’re equal opportunity objectifiers. One tabloid headline blasts Jessica Simpson for looking fat in her high-waist jeans and the very next is all over Keira Knightly for being too thin. “Is starlet X expecting? It looks like a baby bump! Does Starlet Y have an eating disorder? She looks awfully skinny!” We all know how it goes.

I recently saw Miss Representation, a 2011 documentary film directed by Jennifer Siebel Newsom. The film explores how mainstream media contribute to the under-representation of women in positions of power, influence and leadership by portraying women in narrow and often disparaging roles. “You can’t be what you can’t see,” is a major theme of the movie, and our society’s media is not providing positive role models for women and girls to see.

Rarely are women the protagonists of mainstream movies (only 16% of film protagonists are female). Apparently it is a firmly held belief in Hollywood that people want to watch movies about white men and aren’t interested in watching movies about women, particularly strong women who talk to each other about something other than men. What about Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Catwoman, Charlie’s Angels? Yes, there seems to be a whole new genre of action movies featuring women as heroes. Unfortunately, these female protagonists are even more sexualized than the traditional love-interest-of-leading-man roles. Caroline Heldman, a Professor of political science at Occidental College, calls this trend the “Fighting Fuck Toy,” which is an image that is both sad and hilarious; a cross between an action figure and a blow-up doll. “Press the button on my back for badass karate-chop motion!” “Squeeze my thigh for realistic hip-grinding action!” “Pull my hair and I say more than 20 phrases: ‘Take that!’ ‘You’ve been a very bad boy!’ ‘Oh, baby!’ and more!”

I was also shocked by a statistic the film shared about the ages of women in mainstream media. I don’t recall the exact percentages, but the gist was this: the majority of women on television are under the age of 31, while the majority of women in this country are over the age of 45. One of the academics interviewed for the film said something to the effect of “judging by what you see in media, women might as well cease to exist when they turn 40.” Upon hearing this, I clutched my husband’s hand and gave him a panic-stricken look out of the corner of my eye. Yes, I’ll be turning the big 4-0 this year and I will admit I’m a little distraught about it. Now I think I know why: Growing up around media that doesn’t show many examples of women over 40 makes it feel a little like I’m going to cease to exist. I’ve begun to, tongue-in-cheek, call 2012 my “cease to exist year.”

While I consciously know I won’t vanish into thin air when I hit 40, I do know I’ll continue struggling with the results of media’s disparaging and limited depictions of women. That has been going on my entire career. I’ve blogged before about the scarcity of women in highly influential leadership positions in my chosen field – one that is generally thought to be “dominated” by women, at least in terms of sheer numbers. It amazes me to hear people say we’ve gotten past sexism. Are they just not paying attention? When I returned from my three month maternity leave, a high-ranking employee of my organization asked me how I was enjoying motherhood. I told him it was wonderful and I was enjoying it more than I ever imagined I would. He shook his head and said, “Yeah, I’ll never forget what one of my first mentors told me: ‘Never hire a woman of child-bearing age.’” In addition to being sexist, his sentiment doesn’t even make sense. I’m still at my job, working as hard as ever. Besides that over the top example, I notice I am frequently interrupted by men in professional settings and my ideas are disregarded more often than the ideas of men. I know it isn’t just me, as plenty of female colleagues share similar experiences. A friend who is in a high-level leadership position talks about having everyone at a meeting dismiss her suggestions, only to embrace the exact same ideas when they are brought up by a man later in the same meeting.

My friend Llysa Holland recently shared a fascinating article called How the sex bias prevails by Shankar Vedantam. It describes the experiences of two transgendered Stanford University scientists, both of whom underwent sex changes fairly late in their lives – one from man to woman and one from woman to man. The experiences they shared in the different ways they were treated before and after their sex changes are striking. The article posits that perhaps we cannot truly see sexism at work in our society and how it impacts our lives without women being able to experience life as men and vice versa. The scientist who went from being a woman to a man had this to say: “By far, the main difference that I have noticed is that people who don't know I am transgendered treat me with much more respect: I can even complete a whole sentence without being interrupted by a man." (The italicized emphasis is mine.) The scientist who transitioned from man to woman said this about the differing interpersonal dynamics: "You get interrupted when you are talking, you can't command attention, but above all you can't frame the issues.” This sounds all too familiar.

When smart, successful women can’t get through a sentence in a professional setting without being interrupted, why do we, as women, spend so much time adding our voices to the dull roar portraying us as nothing more than bodies – either too fat or too thin, love-interests, and “Fighting Fuck Toys?” We’ve been well-trained to objectify ourselves and other women; that’s why. We’ve grown up in a media-saturated world that surrounds us with images of how women are “supposed” to look and learned that our value is dependent on whether or not we meet that standard.

How can we get past being critical of ourselves when we apply the same judgmental eye (with the standards simply flipped) to other women? We can’t pick our brand of beautiful and then disparage the rest without opening ourselves up to the same kind of criticism. Let’s stop obsessing about whether Fergie’s tummy-pooch means she’s expecting or if Katie Holmes has an eating disorder. Let’s stop circulating images that compare and judge women based solely on their physical appearance and start concentrating on framing the issues, shall we? That would be hot.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Facebook Irritation: A Continuum


Humor is the greatest thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments flit away, and a sunny spirit takes their place. ~Mark Twain

I have a lot of pet peeves (don’t we all) that span various facets of my life and Facebook is no exception. For the most part, I love Facebook. It allows me to stay connected with colleagues. It provides entertainment, ideas, and even inspiration. It has given me the delightful opportunity to reconnect with friends from as far back as elementary school. For all these reasons, I appreciate Facebook and tolerate the endless irritation it also inflicts.

Facebook irritation comes in varying degrees of severity ranging from mild annoyance (Category One) to substantial aggravation (Category Two), with the vast majority falling at the mild annoyance end of the scale. These are the things that elicit nothing more than an eye roll or a head shake. They happen so often that several recurring examples have emerged during my time with the social networking giant. (Before I go any further, yes, I am aware that I probably annoy plenty of people myself. In fact, I may annoy some with this very post. I apologize in advance.)

Just Sayin’
A perfect example of the mild annoyance brand of Facebook irritation is the epidemic overuse, and nonsensical use, of the phrase “just sayin’.” As best as I can ascertain, when employed appropriately, the phrase means the speaker is good naturedly pointing out or calling attention to something the listener might disagree with or be sensitive about. For example:

Person one: I’m tired of doing all the work on this project.
Person two: You don’t do all the work. I did that one thing that one time.
Person one: (glaring)
Person two: I’m just sayin’.

Or . . .

Person one: Do you think I look fat?
Person two: Well, you did eat all that pizza last night.
Person one: (looking crestfallen)
Person two: Just sayin’.

As if “just sayin’” isn’t overused enough in its appropriate context, why do so many people these days find it necessary to insert the phrase at the end of anything and everything they say? It’s stating the obvious at best (if you’ve said it, of course you’re saying it) and completely pointless.

The grocery store was packed tonight. Just sayin’
I hate Mondays. Just sayin’
Baby, I love you so much. Just sayin’

Honey Bunny
It is annoying (and sometimes gag-inducing) when people share the graphic details of their out-of-a-bad-teen-movie romance with the Facebook world.

I wuv you, honey.
Oh baby-waby, I wuv you too.
I can’t WAIT to see you tonight.
Oh really?
Really.
What are you gonna do?
Oh, don’t you worry, you’ll like it . . .”

STOP! Please stop it right now! Don’t you people have private emails? Phones? Public Facebook walls are not for “sexting” or writing your very own Harlequin romance novel. You think it’s adorable when your significant other calls you honey bunny and hilarious that you call his penis Burt. No one else finds it remotely cute or amusing. I promise you.

Today I did upper body at the gym
Why do people feel compelled to share the most detailed minutia of their day-to-day existence in the blandest way possible? This is serious Category One irritation.

I went to the gym.

Uh, okay, thanks for sharing, but that isn’t terribly interesting. In fact, it isn’t interesting at all. It isn’t that you can’t share a status about having gone to the gym but try to spice it up a little. Tell us about how you were on the treadmill next to a guy who was singing along to Britney Spears on his iPod at the top of his lungs. Regale us with a story about how the new yoga teacher’s left boob kept popping out of her tank top with every downward facing dog. Tell us something remotely interesting. Please. For the sake of all your friends who end up reading about it on their news feeds. Friends don’t subject friends to brutally boring statuses.

Re-post unless you hate your own children and want baby animals to be tortured
You’ve seen these statuses. They exist for depression, autism, cancer and every other imaginable disease and disorder:

Cancer is terrible. It claims the lives of (insert statistic here) people each year. More research is needed to find a cure. If you know someone who is fighting or fought a battle with cancer, post this as your status for one hour as a symbol of respect and remembrance. Only some of you will do this, and I know who you are. I hope I’m right about the people who will honor this request.

Cancer sucks. No question. Depression is a real sickness; not good. We need more information about and understanding of autism; absolutely. We all know people who have been affected by these things and we all agree that finding cures for them would be wonderful. So go ahead, post about opportunities to raise funds for medical research, share links to your favorite organizations that are involved in finding solutions and providing assistance, but please, please, please don’t demand that I copy your status and imply that I’m an awful person if I don’t. This is like those bad chain letters (and now emails) that threaten you’ll have bad luck for a zillion years or die a painful and instantaneous death if you don’t pass them on.

Another variation is the statuses that ask you to repost if you are a “true friend”:

If you are a true friend and would be there for me no matter what, then copy and paste this. (I bet not one of my Facebook friends will repost this, but I’m counting on a true friend to do it!)

Hey, guess what, if I’m a true friend who would always be there for you, no matter what, I’m going to pick up the phone and call you, or meet you for lunch, or make sure I’m actually THERE for you. I don’t think reposting a meaningless status on Facebook gets you “true friend” points.

Other statuses demand you repost if you have a sister, mother, brother, father, daughter, cousin, step-aunt-twice-removed, dog, goldfish, or pet rock that you love:

I’ll always need my son no matter what age I am. My son has made me laugh, made me cry, made me proud. He’s hugged me tight, cheered me up, kept me going strong, and driven me crazy at times. But my son is a promise from God that I will have a friend forever. Put this on your status if you have a wonderful son that you love with all your heart.

Here’s the deal: I have a son. He is the joy of my life; truly and completely. For me, the sun rises and sets because of Chester. My life is centered on him in a way I was unable to comprehend before he existed and I’m certain my love for him will continue to expand and deepen in ways I can’t begin to imagine now as he grows into a man. My feelings for my son are so powerful, so heart-rending that I can’t begin to express them. A generic Facebook status sure as heck isn’t going to cut it. I shower him with love and affection in all sorts of ways to make sure he knows how loved he is. There isn’t anything wrong with the sweet sayings, they just aren’t my style. We all love our kids; if a quote or saying resonates with you, by all means, repost it, but don’t imply that if I don’t, I must not love my son.

The “put-this-on-your-status-if” sentence is unnecessary and irritating. If you like something and believe in it and feel compelled to post it, knock yourself out. If people agree with you and want to repost it, they will. You don’t need to be all bossy and judgmental about it.

Those are just a handful of my Facebook pet peeves; the little things that annoy me on a day-to-day basis. Not a big deal. Category One; I just roll my eyes and move along. But sometimes my irritation level rises above mild annoyance and into Category Two – substantial aggravation.

I live and work in a very liberal, urban setting where I am surrounded by people who are a lot like me. My Facebook world, on the other hand, includes many people who are quite a bit different from me. The most typical cause of substantial aggravation on Facebook is a post that represents a political ideology or religious philosophy I do not share. Depending on the topic and delivery, these instances either stay in the realm of mild annoyance or move into substantial aggravation, which means I not only disagree, but feel strongly enough to make a comment and engage in discussion about the issue. The lovely thing about getting this irritated is that it can, when handled productively by both parties, transform a negative reaction into a positive outcome.

In fact, one of my favorite things about Facebook is that, in a highly polarized world where we all gravitate more and more to people, activities and news sources that are like us and support our current views, I have connections with people who think and feel differently than me. When I take the time to engage with someone on an issue, I usually learn a lot. I begin to understand where people with differing thoughts, opinions, and beliefs are coming from, and I realize that we are, in general, more the same than we are different. I love having an intense debate via Facebook and then sharing cute kid pictures or laughing over the trials of parenting.

Of course Category Two irritation doesn’t always turn out so well. It can definitely go wrong when the source of my irritation isn’t willing or able to engage in an intellectual and respectful discussion. I’ve had Facebook “friends” turn disagreements into personal attacks. (Not cool.) And I’ve been “unfriended” by people who apparently do not appreciate, in the same way I do, interacting with someone who disagrees with them. (Sad.)

So, that concludes my rant about things I find irritating on Facebook. Come to think of it, Facebook isn’t so different from the rest of the world. It can be wonderful and it can be irritating. You take the bad with the good and it ends up being worth it. Repost if you agree, honey bunny. If you don’t, you’re a terrible friend. Just sayin’.